Kids Corner

Roundtable

Arranging Marriages
The Roundtable Open Forum
# 54

EDITOR

 

 

The following is this week's topic for discussion.
 

ARRANGING MARRIAGES

The issue of marriage - our own, of our children or other loved ones - touches us all sooner or later.

In a fast-changing world, and particularly for those of us who live in far-flung communities across the length and breadth of the diaspora, it has its unique challenges.

The arranged marriage - a method traditionally used by communities of every culture and background around the world - no longer works as smoothly.

There appears to be no systematic attempt by community elders or institutions to address the need to build an efficient and satisfactory forum for assisting our young to meet others of the opposite sex in a healthy and nurturing environment.

So far, it's left to individual or parental efforts, varying from person to person, family to family; matrimonial advertisements and introduction agencies; speed-date meetings; internet encounters; the vagaries and whims of school campuses and the workplace; or pure chance through individual involvement in social, cultural or sports activities.

None of these are inherently bad. But none of them are ideal or reliable either. Never has the adage, "Marriages are made in heaven" been more true, if we use the word ‘heaven' in its most common meaning: "pure chance'!

POINTS TO PONDER

What has been your experience in this area, either directly or vicariously?

What do you think needs to be done to improve the situation?

By parents? By individuals? By the community?

 

December 22, 2010

Conversation about this article

1: Hardeep Kaur (New Delhi, India), December 22, 2010, 11:51 AM.

Until and unless we start encouraging and facilitating dating amongst Sikh boys and girls, we will be at the mercy of chance. And statistics does not work in our favour, if we leave it to chance! Currently, Sikh parents clearly want their children to marry within the community ... but everything they do during the upbringing of their children goes counter to that goal. We need open and wide-spread discussion on this topic, and a sea-change in attitudes.

2: Jas (Canada), December 22, 2010, 12:11 PM.

The keyword here being "Sikh". Not Indian, not Punjabi, not "brown", but Sikh. Personally, I have a problem with dating, as it stems from high school relationships that end up on a physical level. And children do not want their parents involved in their "love affairs" (especially males, as it hurts their pride). While other communities thrive, we've cut ours back and built up a wall to prevent others from looking in and possibly enriching their lives. So many families believe in backwards traditions and superstitions and racist views and all that sort of stuff, but during the Nagar Kirtan, we get all happy and excited when we see people of other communities enjoying the food and drinks and event yearly. And children have started bringing video game systems, among other things into gurdwaras too. We need to reach out to them in ways they understand, in languages they understand. Not everyone is going to magically understand fluent Punjabi, right? The parents and children are on different levels, and arranged marriage isn't easy or ideal anymore, because of the way society is evolving.

3: S.S.N. (U.S.A.), December 22, 2010, 11:14 PM.

I am a young Sikh male and frankly I am kind of frustrated with little or no encouragement within the community with regards to dating. As previous comments have rightly pointed out, the statistics are not in our favor. I want to raise my kids as Sikhs but I have never been in a relationship with a Sikh girl. I have tried building a profile on matrimonial forums just to meet eligible Sikh women who are interested in knowing me but it has never gotten anywhere. They are either too choosy or just not sure if they want to explore the options. I might be alone in saying this but this is my experience, my story. I am eager to meet Sikh women but lack of any coordinated effort towards that has really just befuddled me. I disagree with the author here that I haven't seen anything concrete from community elders in that regard. My opinions are strong on this subject and I have tried to just air some of those opinions.

4: Kartar Singh Bhalla (New Delhi, India), December 23, 2010, 1:16 AM.

No marriages - arranged or "love" marriages - guarantee success. There is no fool-proof formula for marriage. Marriages are made in heaven - by chance. Traditionally, parents of young marriage-age children are approached by parents of other children, looking out for matrimonial alliance. Parents of both sides talk to one another, decide and expect their children to accept their decision. Or, parents judge each other and if there is emotional and social compatibility between the two families, they encourage their children to meet independently, go about in each other's company for a few days and to tell their parents about their thinking. We followed the second course for our son's and daughter's marriages. Three, children come across each other in social or official gatherings or in offices or in colleges/ universities. They date and decide whether to marry or not. While dating, some children take parents into confidence, some don't. Those who don't make their parents sullen and unhappy but, sullen or unhappy, by and large they cannot but consent. Four, some children are so infatuated with one another that one of them agrees to convert to the religion of the other. Such marriages normally fail or bring unhappiness, when they get children. In conclusion, I would submit that there is nothing inherently wrong in arranged marriages or love marriages. If only children could take parents into confidence while dating and if only parents could consult children while arranging marriage and respect their thinking, and in both cases, if the marriage takes place in socially and religiously harmonious environment, the marriage has a better chance of bringing happiness.

5: Pavneet (New Delhi, India), December 23, 2010, 1:37 AM.

I absolutely agree that the concept of arranged marriages is not working at all. The author speaks the truth here when he says that it has actually been left on pure chance, the web or social meetings to choose the right person. Once you meet that prospective person, it is followed by a courtship period which might or might not end up in marriage. I am not sure whether dating should be welcomed with open arms but surely it should not be stigmatized. Maybe we can have a meeting or small parties around gurpurabs (get-togethers, if you will) for the single-Sikh-youth to facilitate the meeting of people who see each other as prospective partners in the long term. Personally, although I respect this tradition, but maybe we need to make it a bit more flexible to make it work in the long run.

6: Kanwarjeet Singh (Franklin Park, New Jersey, U.S.A.), December 23, 2010, 2:32 AM.

I think the concept of arranged marriage is excellent but (and here is a big but), since humans have started thinking differently in the past few decades, they no longer want to be bound just by traditions but would rather like the concept of choice. In my (our) case, our parents selected us through good old traditional ways, however with the modern day version of the newspaper ad - the internet. After our respective parents had met, my now dear wife and I talked over the phone (I was in the U.S. and she was in India) about our future. Since we were both working, we had to also decide what way the future family would lean on. Although we did not agree on everything, there was an inner feeling, a 'sixth sense', that we had met our life partners. With Guru Ji's help, we have been happily married for eight years. I do not think we should go overboard with the concept of dating, etc. The chances of a love marriage failing are statistically proven to be higher than arranged ones (and not just in Asians, but even in western society). While the concept of choosing one's own partner is an excellent one - (and this will draw a lot of static from other readers here), I think the first step of selection should be somehow initiated by parents or grand-parents. The rationale for this is that a parent may see something from their experience which a youngster may not. I think this can act as a great filtering process. Now some parents solely focus on economics and status - I say God bless their children since these parents never understood Sikhi to start with.

7: Aryeh Leib (Israel), December 23, 2010, 6:00 AM.

May I humbly present my Sikh friends with an introduction to the Jewish take on this delicate but vital subject? It has in its favor a process of several thousand years of refinement. Please see http://www.aish.com/ci/ss/48965306.html

8: Aman (California, U.S.A.), December 23, 2010, 3:42 PM.

In my opinion, arranged marriages are a flawed concept in our society today. In the old days, the child was a general representation of the parents. So one assumed that if the parents are good people or have certain qualities, then their children will also have similar qualities. I feel this does not hold water in this day and age. These days, children are not direct representations of their parents. They don't share the same qualities or values, etc. Also, these days parents have no clue as to what their child even does half of the time. Leave it up to the children to find who they want. Perhaps we can facilitate it but then many who pose as "Sikhs" today will want to have gatherings based on their silly caste self-designations. Lord knows we have our fair share of idiots in our community!

9: Mohan Singh (Toronto, Ontario, Canada.), December 23, 2010, 7:27 PM.

"Permanent is the marriage of the one who receives His ambrosial essence" - [GGS:970]. Marriage is a spiritual identity, not just a love affair between two people. First, it is a union of two families, not just bride and groom. The Sikh marriage is all about love; it is the Love of the Soul-bride for God, longing to merge with the Infinite. A Sikh marriage is two people trying to help one another in this merger. The height of love is assisting another in the merger of the soul with the infinite, helping the Beloved to find the true purpose of their life. Peace and prosperity flows in with the blessings of Akal Purakh. Nowadays it is common for a couple that has met and are involved romantically to go through the process of an arranged marriage with that specific partner in mind, and brings unification of extended families and are believed to contribute to marital stability. Also, with expanding social reform, literacy growth and material comfort, there is a gradual demise of arranged marriages and the rise of so-called "love marriages". The initial contact with potential spouses does not involve the parents or family members. There is a rise of divorce cases in our community as well. Once I witnessed an arranged love marriage in one of our local gurdwaras. Both from gursikh families, they had dated for 4 years, there was joy all over; huge crowed of guests from both the sides, all went well, Sikhya and speeches from both side after the laavan, and traditional langar. Suddenly, the bride announces a break up of the marriage, refusing arrangement for the doli. Reason: parents of the groom wanted financial assistance for their business expansion with partnership offer, a commitment before doli. Parents of the bride were ready for the solution, but the bold princess girl stood by her father and refused for any help. She even scolded the boy in front of his parents, referring to the four years of hollow promises and confidence. Just last year, close to our neighborhood, the arranged marriage of a gursikh couple broke up within a week. Here it was haumain (ego) and hollow power of money. All of our gurbani teaches us how to tackle haumain and follow Hukam, but who cares? Guru Amardas: "They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together; only they are true husband and wife who have one divine light in two bodies" - [GGS:788]. Here, 'divine light' refers to one mind ('munn tu jot saroop hai'); that is, understanding each other, with flexibility and adjustability as if both are always in Hukam.

10: Sunny (London, United Kingdom), December 24, 2010, 6:41 AM.

Whether you find your love through the internet, social settings or semi-arranged (parents/friends do the initial introduction), no method should be excluded. The fact is no one method is fool-proof but given the way society is moving it would seem appropriate that the individuals concerned had some idea of who they are marrying and have got to know one another before-hand!

11: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), December 24, 2010, 9:06 AM.

Arranged marriages do work if arranged properly and when whetted by a committee of six elder sisters, as was in my case. I was too busy nurturing my career as a planter and living on plantations miles away from any nearby decent town with hardly any Sikh families. A girl was duly chosen. Luckily, she came from a well known family where my own sister was happily married. Well, the day arrived and I still hadn't yet seen her. The time for laavaa(n) came and she was escorted, heavily veiled with a yard long ghungut (veil) and duly seated next to me. No, I still had to see her. Her lady-in-waiting kept adjusting her ghungut if it had moved even an inch away from her face. Soon after the laavaa(n), one of my naughtier nieces, while garlanding us, whispered: "Mamaji, have you seen Maamiji yet?" "No, not yet, but I can feel her now." Her left foot had become numb and was now lightly touching my right foot. The ceremony had started early with complete Asa di Vaar, followed by an hour-long sikhia (sermon) by the resident granthi who, once started, was too lazy to stop. But all went well and we were finally united. The ghungat could now regress and she turned out to be the prettiest bride I could hope for, and came with a B.Sc. degree too. With the usual tongue-in-cheek I said: "Hi, I am your husband and my name is Sangat Singh ... No, don't tell me yours, I already know it." Today, looking back to all those lovely by-gone years, in a few more months we should be completing our 50 years of marriage. We have four beautiful, highly accomplished daughters, each happily married, not wholly arranged as we allowed them the speaking part. With arranged marriages, you don't have to eat the promises you recklessly made, like plucking stars, etc. All said and done, Man is incomplete without marriage and once married, he is finished! ... in some cases completely. Please take all this with a lump of salt. There is a Punjabi saying: "Mathura ke payrrey jo khaai ga woh pachhtaai ga, jo nahi khaai ga woh bhi pachhtaai ga!" - 'The famous Mathura milk-cakes, once you eat them, you regret having done so, and if you don't eat them, you will regret not having tasted them!"

12: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), December 24, 2010, 4:46 PM.

Before you change your mind on arranged marriages, might I share another hilarious incident. My dear friend Inderjit Singh was ready to settle down and was scouting around for a suitable match. Inderjit set a condition that he would like to see the girl and if possible to talk to her, even if it was under 'controlled conditions'. It was finally agreed that the potential bride would make an entrance bearing a tea tray and he could have a good look at her. Well, that moment arrived, she walked in with a tray and was a tad confident. Our friend looked at her and was bowled over and nudged his sister. "Yes, I like her!" "Shut up!" said the sister, "she's the girl's mother!" Such are the perils of arranged marriages. A Happy New Year!

13: Amarjit Singh (Ghaziabad, India), December 27, 2010, 4:32 AM.

In today's times, we need to blend traditions and modernity well so that we don't lose our beautiful faith and nor do we lag behind others in anyway. Tmes have changed, today we need to encourage the dating concept amongst Sikh boys and girls. And this applies to all the Sikhs living in India and abroad. We need to have good Sikh dating sites and dating events happening in every part of the globe where there is a sizable Sikh community residing. If proper steps are not taken today, we might see more and more Sikhs, especially young girls, marrying outside the Sikh community and then we will have to repent in the future. And let's not depend on and blame our elders or religious leaders for not encouraging dating. Those amongst us who are young and educated need to take the initiative on a big scale.

14: Mohan Singh (Toronto, Ontario, Canada.), December 28, 2010, 10:16 AM.

Dating, a sophisticated word of the western culture represents a sincere, pious friendship between unmarried youth. However, today it means an agreement to mate without marriage. The ultimate aim of dating is marriage, but sex is assumed to be a part of dating. Rather, sex is considered essential - of course, wrongly - to seal their relationship. 'Dating' is a word used to cover an activity which otherwise is considered immoral and irreligious.

15: Gurjender Singh (Maryland, U.S.A.), December 29, 2010, 8:31 AM.

All marriages, coming together by any means (arranged, love, internet, dating, etc.) are good and better if the involved persons have strong feelings and a foundation in Sikh beliefs. What we all are lacking today is basic education about Sikhi. If the couple have an understanding of Sikhi, both will be always happy. Nowadays every one looks at one thing only (material possessions) and forgets the rest.

16: M. Singh (Brampton, Ontario, Canada), December 30, 2010, 9:22 PM.

The reality is that children brought up outside of India don't want to marry a stranger. We need more social events in the Sikh community outside the gurdwara where people in the community can mingle freely. In a place like Brampton Ontario, Canada), all we need is a bit of leadership to organize such events. It's a greater challenge in places with a small Sikh population.

17: M. Singh (Brampton, Ontario, Canada), January 01, 2011, 3:48 PM.

I have been thinking about this topic and what we really need is a short TV drama that explores how dating doesn't necessarily have to be against anything that Sikhi teaches. The setting for the show should be in a maturing diaspora Sikh community like Vancouver or Toronto and the target audience should be the youth. There are so many Punjabi channels, I am sure that someone will be willing to carry the program. Unfortunately, I do not possess the know-how or the means to support such an enterprise yet. All I have is this vision that I have shared. Script is always the key. It is what separates quality from the trash that's on Indian television.

18: Monica Sharma (India), June 14, 2013, 1:59 AM.

You really have a good feel on this topic, and the way you wrote about it made it both entertaining to read, and informative at the same time.

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The Roundtable Open Forum
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