People
Suicide
by PARVEEN KAUR
"They are all crazy here, a bunch of nuts" says Aman (please bear in mind that this is a fictional name).
I glance over my shoulder to see a well dressed, perfectly coiffed woman screaming obscenities and being led away
by a security guard wearing latex gloves. "You would never think she is crazy," he mutters.
Even though I have been exposed to many things in my career, nevertheless I am taken aback by this comment.
I thought my Friday at work would be an uneventful one until I got that call from my colleague at the other college campus. She informed me that Aman had left a message to say she wasn't doing too well in school. Being a bit surprised, I call her to make sure that everything is okay. Last week she seemed to be in good spirits while we worked on an assignment together.
"I want to kill myself," she says. Even though I am bit perturbed, my training on suicide prevention instantly kicks into high gear and I probe further and ask her how she planned to carry this out. "I am going to swallow 40 aspirins and wait to die; there is nothing in life to look forward to".
I remind myself that this is the time of the semester that we find students in crisis, it happens predictably every month around mid-terms.
Personal issues that have been percolating over time, the stress of endless assignments, group work and exams to study for, can push some students to the edge. This time it could have had disastrous consequences.
Aman agrees to meet with her psychiatrist at a local hospital and I convince her to allow me to meet her there to ensure that she got the help needed. I breathe a sigh of relief, she made my job and her life a little easier, and usually calls of this nature do not always go so smoothly. In rare cases, the police have to be called and students feel betrayed.
My mind races with a million thoughts as I get into my car to drive to the hospital. Even though I have made similar calls in the past, there is nothing routine about responding to someone who wants to end it all.
What glimmer of hope can I offer? How can I use my limited knowledge of gurbani to offer words of solace? What would gurbani say about this?
Surely some people in the times of the gurus, (the ones so blessed to be on earth at the same time) must have suffered from mental health issues? How would the Gurus offer solace to someone so desperate that they felt life
was not worth living.
Especially in light of the fact that gurbani often reminds us that the human form has been achieved through suffering and pain, transmigration and the pain of birth and death. That the body is a gift and temple
devoted to God and that death is not a choice/ right that we humans exercise. I asked my Guru to guide me.
Aman has been battling depression and schizophrenia for the past 30 years, s
he has been in and out of the psychiatric ward more times than she can
remember. Her disability is an invisible one, people tell her it's all in her head.
That is true. Chemical imbalances have origins in the brain and there is a genetic pre-disposition as well.
"There is no God. If there was, I would not be here suffering like this".
At that moment, her words weighed heavily on my own shoulders. I have
pondered and struggled with this very question myself.
I remember a verse by Guru Gobind Singh that life is a battlefield and that we must leave the earth fighting the good fight.
We all have a cross to bear, I tell Aman, remnants of past lives that
affect us in the present one and which we must go to battle with, to overcome. "I must have bad karma" she replies. Karma is neither good nor bad, we as humans attach meaning to it.
"I am going to take pills. If I had the guts, I would jump in front of a
subway train but I don't!" Aman offers.
She looks at me and I know at that
point she does not really want to die.
People who are suicidal are severely depressed, some may be trying to end
the pain, others think that life is futile and their ability to cope is
dramatically diminished.
Most people in this situation have made at least one previous attempt. When people are suicidal, they feel helpless and trapped. Their normal coping skills and problem solving abilities may be impaired, preventing them from being able
to think creatively of the many options they have.
One of my future projects is to look at the rate of suicide in our own Sikh community. It does happen but it is a topic we are very uncomfortable
discussing. We often dismiss it as fate or karma. I remember many years ago, the sangat was really shaken: a teenager who used to do seva and who attended kirtan classes regularly had killed himself. So very sad,
devastating for the family, the pain so unbearable ... so unlike that of a relative lost to age, disease or natural causes.
In retrospect, we wondered about any clues or signs that we could have been more attuned to help this particular individual. People who commit suicide do not fit a mold, they are just as likely to have a psychiatric
history or be the honour-roll student who appears to have their ducks
lined up in a row. The commonality is that they at some point have cried out for help, sometimes very subtle things such as giving away their favourite belongings, talking of giving up and wishing they were not on
earth. They may begin to withdraw from family and friends and isolate themselves from the world thinking that their support system won't care or
will be better off without them.
Aman and I are standing outside the intimidating glass partition that separates the patients from the nursing staff. Security guards are a common sight here since many people do not seek help willingly. After we meet with her doctor, who admits her for the weekend, Aman turns to me and says "Parveen, you are just delaying the inevitable."
Walking away from the hospital, I wonder if I had really helped her. Temporarily yes, but what about the next time? What if she goes through with her plan after being released? I hope for the better.
I breathed a huge sigh of relief when Aman walked into my office on Monday to say she was feeling much better. I write a few quick e-mails to her
professors to get extensions for assignments and extra time for exams. This may seem like a small thing but this is the glimmer of hope applied
in practical terms. I caution myself to check-in with Aman on a regular basis, her disability is a permanent one and this type of scenario is
likely to play out again.
If you have a family member or friend you are concerned about, please tell them so. You will not encourage thoughts of suicide by just asking this question. You will have a chance to offer some hope to this person and to talk them out of it.
March 4, 2010
Conversation about this article
1: Harinder (Bangalore, India), March 04, 2010, 12:06 PM.
Killing oneself: The Gurus rejected suicide, as we don't have the right to give or take life. Birth and death are the mercy of our dear creator. Death can be of just not the body but also of the mind and the soul. The soul and body are all at God's mercy. He Himself takes and rejuvenates. He forgives and merge us into Himself. 'jeeo pind sabh terai paas, thoo maar jeevaalehi bakhas milaae' - [GGS:154, M1] "The Lord does whatever the Lord wishes; it is not up to me at all. Similarly - "apnaa chithaviaa har karai jo maerae chith na hoe" [GGS:1376, Kabir].
2: N. Singh (Canada), March 04, 2010, 8:12 PM.
Parveen Kaur: Physicians for Human Rights did a study on the psychological effects of the ethnic cleansing that has occurred in the Punjab over the last 25 years. They found that 40% of the people there had lasting emotional trauma compared to 10% in Darfur. This is because the people in Darfur were able to get some sort of recognition, support and healing for their suffering both locally and internationally. Although I believe that all men are created equal, the pain of my people is too difficult to bear and last year I was very depressed because of it. This is an issue that the Sikh community needs to talk about and deal with ... how we can help others heal ... but we really need the help of specialists who are willing to go out and work in the Punjab to help. Anyways, I just thought I would add my two cents worth to the discussion!
3: Parveen Kaur (Brampton, Ontario, Canada), March 06, 2010, 8:39 PM.
That is so sad. A large part of our problem is that we are taught not to wear our emotions on our sleeves. Perhaps for the sake of honour or izzat of the collective. By doing so, we bury and deny our emotional selves. I myself have learned through my own experience that we need to confirm, voice, and give credibility to all that ails us. In India, most of the masses in the rural areas have not heard of 'depression', however, its very exsistence is so evident in the number of people who end up jumping into a 'khoo'. Suicide seems to be imbedded in the daily life that it almost seems to be an established way of coping. This goes back to a lack of recognition of trauma, lack of support, or belief in kismat. People are desperate and when their suffering is not recognized, or they are ridiculed for being weak, they choose to cope in a similar fashion as others have done before them. This needs to change. As a community, we have been told to get over 1984, which is a large part of the problem but the emotional baggage has taken its time to unravel and unfold. As a side note, when I tell people I have completed a specialist and graduate degree in Counselling Psychology, I see smirks. Our people do not seem to value this field too much. Often when I go away for conferences I end up being the only Indian in the audience; this has to change! The Ontario Association of Psychologists has only a handful of psychologists who speak Punjabi, very few of them are Sikh. Our resources in this area are limited for the time being, but I do see more young people getting into the profession. By doing this we can send people to help those in Punjab to heal. I personally would love the opportunity to work in Punjab. Perhaps further down the road when we have a trauma team, this will be an easier goal to reach. Our gurus told us to defend the rights of those who are not able, this does not mean just fighting the good fight, but helping people to deal with the aftermath! If anyone feels like talking more, please give me a call. 416-289-5000, extension 7241. Take care.