Images: details from Amrita Shergill's "The Three Sisters".
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Deja Vu? The Tale of Two Sisters
by RAVEENA AULAKH
She was supposed to be her family's ticket to Canada.
Instead, Amandeep Dhillon, 22, a young Indian bride married off to a Canadian man she didn't know, was found stabbed to death at a Malton grocery store on Jan. 1, 2009.
A year later, Amandeep's younger sister has taken her place as a bridge to this country. Her wedding was arranged to a Brampton (Ontario, Canada) man some weeks after she and her parents arrived from India for the funeral.
Outsiders have questioned her parents' judgment, but Pawandeep Benipal, 21, says she is happy for the opportunity to help her family come to Canada.
"It will take a long time but I will apply for their immigration," said Benipal, who married Jagdeep Singh in July. Her parents and younger siblings live in India.
Pawandeep will take over the responsibility that was her older sister's before she was killed.
Amandeep's father-in-law, charged with first-degree murder, is due in court in February, 2010.
Her death shook up the local South Asian community, raising questions about the lengths to which people will go to immigrate to Canada.
Pawandeep's wedding, soon after her sister was killed, dismayed people in the community and triggered criticism on a Facebook group.
"We don't learn from our mistakes, do we?" said Baldev Singh Mutta, Executive Director of the Punjabi Community Health Centre in Brampton, an agency that helps South Asians.
"Daughters are still used as leverage. I wonder what will it really take to change that."
But he acknowledges the pressure the Benipal family might have faced. They paid an enormous dowry of $54,000 for the first wedding in 2005.
That was in addition to $15,000 spent on a lavish, three-day wedding with more than 600 guests.
Dhillon's father, a farmer who grows mostly rice and wheat on about 5 hectares of land, sold property, borrowed money and mortgaged his house. Three years later, the son was killed.
Gurdish Mangat, a social worker who played matchmaker for the younger sister's wedding, said there's no comparison between the two arranged marriages.
"(Pawandeep) was at the right age to get married," said Gurdish. "And finding the right person isn't easy at all. ... We wanted to help the family in getting a suitable match for the younger daughter."
Gurdish said he soon realized the son of a friend was the perfect match for Pawandeep. "We introduced the two, they met many times over three months and, when they said they liked each other, we fixed the date for the wedding," Gurdish said.
There was no exchange of dowry or a promise that Pawandeep's family would be sponsored to Canada, as in Amandeep's case, Gurdish stressed.
He acknowledged it's normal for a family in such matches to join their daughter later. "But the wedding wasn't decided on that," he said.
The low-key wedding was held at a gurdwara in Brampton. Pawandeep's parents, whose visas had expired, had left for India and the wedding was organized mostly by friends.
"It was quite emotional for Pawan," Gurdish said. "But we were there for her and we still are."
For Pawandeep, talking about her wedding or her sister's death is painful, because the two are linked.
"Aman and I were very close ... like best friends," Pawandeep said in Punjabi. She remembers the last advice her sister gave her before flying to Canada in 2006: "to study hard and take care of the family ... Sometimes it's still hard to believe what happened."
Her family has had no contact with Amandeep's in-laws since her funeral, and Pawandeep wants it to stay that way. She knows the preliminary hearing starts soon, but doesn't plan to be in court.
"I wouldn't be able to handle that. It'll be too upsetting," she said.
She acknowledges her arranged marriage is reminiscent of her sister's, but said there's no déjà vu. "I know the circumstances of my sister's death, but I am very happy with my husband," said Pawandeep, who lives with her in-laws.
[Courtesy: The Toronto Star]
December 26, 2009
Conversation about this article
1: Ravinder Singh Taneja (Westerville, Ohio, U.S.A.), December 26, 2009, 2:22 PM.
Marriage is a difficult thing - even without the complexities of intersecting interests of the families and the geographical and cultural distance involved in such transcontinental arrangements. At the same time, not all marriages end in tragedy. Yes, parents get can carried away and the lure of America can fog their judgment - but who is to fault them for wanting what they perceive to be the best for their kids? Alas, if only this problem was that simple to solve. We wish Pawan the best.
2: Parveen Kaur Dhatt (Brampton, Ontario, Canada), December 27, 2009, 6:00 PM.
I have been analyzing the Canadian media's portrayal of the Punjabi community. The image painted is cartoonish, one of a community riddled with run-away grooms, dowries and the ever present archaic practice of arranged marriages. The case of Amandeep is very tragic but it is also an anomaly. If we look around within our own network of friends and family, how many arranged marriages end up with murder? Not many! We should be careful of defining ourselves according to the mainstream's view of us. I am not attempting to undermine the real problems that women face, our community is in crisis where women suffer the most. Yet at the same time, there are many who live happily arranged lives. But no one talks about that! I have heard stories about men and women who, upon arriving in Canada, end up in another city, abandoning the family that sponsored them. Like Ravinder ji said, it is a complicated issue, hard to unravel and to separate all of the issues. I would like to make a request to people who contribute letters to sikhchic.com. Please also send your opinions to the mainstream media outlets, particularly the Toronto Star which seems to cover and print stories such as "Run-away Grooms" on the front page. This story is not typical of the Punjabi community but just a reflection of the few greedy bad apples!
3: Amarjit Kaur (Hamilton, Ontario, Canada), December 28, 2009, 12:38 PM.
Responding to Parveen Kaur's comment: The article in question is written by a Sikh journalist. She is a good journalist and she researches her stories well. Her recent postings expose a number of serious problems in the Indian and Punjabi communities which are not being addressed by the community leaders. The issues are not isolated ... and the only way these issues will be addressed, as a last resort, is by bringing them forward in the mainstream press. The intention is indeed to embarrass the community and its leaders into addressing its problems. If people find it embarrassing, they need to go after the errant and negligent 'leaders' and the criminal perpetrators before they take the media to task. Trivializing or minimizing the problems will get us nowhere. Neither will sweeping them under the rug! Let's not shoot the messenger. Raveena Aulakh's work is daring and courageous and needs to be respected and lauded.
4: Parveen Kaur Dhatt (Brampton, Ontario, Canada), December 28, 2009, 9:15 PM.
Amarjit Kaur ji: I am not questioning the merit of Raveena's work.. She writes articles on diverse topics and I make it a point of reading her column. I apologize if you interpreted this as a slight or criticism of her work. I am talking about the overall coverage of Sikhs in the media. Including the documentary that was aired repeatedly by CBC of the Canadian Punjabi killed by her mother's orders for marrying a 'lower caste' man. I don't think this particular incident is representative of our community. I am not sure that publishing the story of "Runaway Grooms" deserved front page coverage in the Star. It serves to perpetuate stereotypes about our community rather than shaming the leaders to do something about it. Is it useful to air our dirty laundry in the mainstream media who already buy into the many myths of the community? I don't know the answer to that. Yes, we need to talk about and expose the issues in useful ways where they will have the most impact. Perhaps I am a bit jaded, our community tends to be passive about taking action. People soon forget articles written in the paper and dismiss it as " woh apni job kardey hun". I must stress that I am not sure who the community leaders are! There seems to be a diffusion of responsibility when critical issues such as this one arise. Certainly these many issues are not trivial nor meant to be taken lightly and being on the front lines of community work since I entered the workforce, I do understand the complexities of the problems and the dire need to do something about it. We need to expose the good in the community too! [EDITOR: We need to clean up our dirty laundry first, if we want to get anywhere with the media or the public. As long as we drift away from Sikhi values, we will be easy pickings. As for leadership ... each one of us can be a Sardar or Sardarni. You seem to understand the issues well. No reason why YOU cannot start with the baton ... Let's not wait for someone else to do it.]
5: Jaipreet (Richboro, U.S.A.), April 07, 2010, 1:57 PM.
Women need to join hands and organize support groups too against dowry, abuse and exploitation. There are so many silent sufferers who cannot come forward for financial or family reasons.