Kids Corner


Definitely Not Said In Indian Courts




These are from a book called "Disorder in The American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of having to stay calm while the exchanges were taking place.

Why are we publishing these on

Well, we've been asked to find something really nice to say about India and desis, and to help provide some relief from the mid-winter blahs as well. So, we took up the challenge and searched far and wide.

So, here's the following for your "how-much-longer-before-it's-spring" pleasure.

And yes, we've checked them out. They're definitely not from Indian courts!



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

*   *   *   *   *  

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

*   *   *   *   *  

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

*   *   *   *   * 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral ...

*   *   *  *  *

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

*   *   *   *   *

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

*   *   *   *   *

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


February 27, 2012

Conversation about this article

1: Baldev Singh (United Kingdom), February 27, 2012, 5:42 PM.

Hahahahahaha!... when you get 'dumb' people in charge of 'dumb' people, then naturally you get 'dumb' and unpleasant results anywhere on earth!

2: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), February 27, 2012, 6:06 PM.

A last minute plea: 'Your Honour, I am innocent, and promise I shall not do it again.'

3: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), February 27, 2012, 6:43 PM.

In a murder trial, while selecting a juror: 'Do you believe in capital punishment?' The potential juror replied: "Generally, no, but in this case, yes."

4: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), February 28, 2012, 7:51 AM.

Yet another one: There is the story of the jury which found the defendant not guilty of having stolen a mule, but directed him to return it. The judge rejected the verdict and insisted on a proper one. They returned, "We find the defendant not guilty, and he may keep the mule."

5: Sangat Singh (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), February 29, 2012, 3:24 PM.

A famous judge used to express his impatience with arguments which exceeded their persuasion point by saying to the attorney: "I agree with you now, counselor, but if you continue, I may change my mind."

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